The Gift of Now…

I am not sure if it’s the way we’re wired as human beings. Or perhaps it’s conditioning, being constantly caught-up in the scramble of life, work, kids. But we cant seem to get a handle on the gift of Now.

Living in the moment, is not a clichè fashioned around a whim, impulsive sentiment or a once-off experience. It is a meaningful, deeply resounding state of consciousness. Being present in the moment is priceless. Seriously, try it!

Right now, I am consciously enjoying writing this article. Right now, I am choosing to share meaningful parts of my journey, my discoveries with you and become better for it. This moment is affording me a glorious opportunity to bask in the glow of the present; and I am profoundly grateful for it. Once this moment has passed, it’s in the past. No matter how many articles I sit down to write in future – this moment right here, will be gone.

Often we spend so much time looking forward to something, but absolutely fail to enjoy it nearly as much when it arrives. Shakespeare said: To travel expectantly, is better than to arrive; so I guess even back then the actual experience was often devalued by the build-up to it… As I said, we really dont have a handle on enjoying the moment!

But nothing points out the value of Now to us more clearly than loss. It gives us perspective on the moments and people we’ve loved, but did not show. People who contributed to our lives enormously but did not know.

When the devastation of loss strikes us, hindsight shows us some gut-wrenching truths about how delicate life really is. In an instant the balance of our scales could be tipped and our lives could change forever. And if you are reading this, and have had your scales tipped recently; in time there will be new normal and you will breathe again.

Let’s not waste any more Nows… Call your wife tell her how much you love her! Tell your son how proud you are of the man he’s becoming. Let your parents know how much you appreciate them. Let your husband know that you love him more today than on your wedding day.

And more than anything, give yourself the right to enjoy every moment with love and appreciation, because every moment you spend with You, is a beautiful gift of Life…

For more information visit http://www.jclifecoach.co.za

 

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Words Have Power

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I have long-since come to recognize the importance and the might of words. They bring things forth, willing it into being whether uttered aloud or not. We are the very epitome of our words. How we feel, what we do and the way we do it are the direct manifestations of our spoken and un-spoken words. And I for one simply love it.

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I can pretty much be whatever I tell myself. It is an unlimited and untapped energy waiting to be directed in which ever direction we choose. Used well, it is a great source of reward and gratification.

Take care with it, because it can also leave destruction in it’s wake. Always remember “If you dont want to hear it, dont say it. If you dont want to read it, dont write it.”

Your Kids & Addiction

drugs 1No parent wants addiction as part of their child’s reality and it is a devastating ordeal for many folks experiencing it right now. It touches so much more than the individual, it affects the macrocosm. There are many forms of addiction, but for the purpose of this blog, we are discussing substance addiction.

It is a vital talking-point particularly because it’s effects are so dire. It’s effect on our society, our economy but more importantly our familial fiber, is devastating. It is important to note not every kid experimenting with harmful substances becomes an addict. There are various factors that will contribute to it, genetic predisposition being one of it. But even so, does not necessitate a self-fulfilling prophecy.

However, the naked truth remains; your kids will experiment with drugs and or alcohol. Chances are, so did you.

The more pressing issue is how are you arming your kids for this encounter? Are you scaring them into submission by pointing out the toothless junkie on TV? The homeless man on the street? The vandals, the criminals and degenerates…? Your parable renders itself mighty hopeless when your kid meets the wealthy, well-dressed, drug-enthusiast, with really good teeth

Instead of fear, how about teaching your kids the value of bravery. Bravery to express their true selves. Bravery to live authentically and not be persuaded because the masses comply. If your kids do not fear their individuality in their home, they will not fear it outside of the home.

Arm them with the ability to think independently by showing them you value their opinions. Allow them to make right and wrong decisions in a safe space, once again, in the home. Praise their good choices and chat about the not-so-good-one’s. When the time comes for your kid to start managing peer pressure he is able to step-up to the the  plate with confidence, discerning for himself whether this is a smart or not-so-smart choice, because he has had practice-runs leading up to this very moment. And as defining as this moment is for your kid, it is just as important to you. This is the moment you will know whether or not you have taught your kid that he has the power to save himself from drowning, by just standing up.

Last but not least, Step up Yourself. You cannot teach your kids the value of moderation when you do not have it yourself. You are regularly out of commission with hangovers but expect your kid to call-it when he’s had enough. You cannot feed your kids excessively, indulge their every whim, allow unlimited television and gaming hours, yet expect them to manage their extreme behaviors and addictive inclinations. The medicine cabinet in your bedroom is overflowing with prescription meds and a fun family outing needs a play-area and a slot machine.

You’re worry about your kids not listening to you, you should be worried about them watching you.

If you expect to raise kids with impulse-control, you have got to show some yourself. Stop abdicating. Setting and managing boundaries are your responsibility, your kids were never meant to manage this themselves and when you let them, it is simply bad parenting.

Take a deep breath and remember Your temporary behavior, becomes their permanent consequence. 

 

 

 

 

 

The Gender-Specifics of falling inlove… Life-Coaching Blog

When I conducted this survey initially, I posed the question to my audience”Is romantic love gender-specific?”And many answered instinctively, ‘No it’s Not. It’s about the spiritual connection. The intellect. The values,’ and a host of very socially correct opinions.

But when we explored these just a little deeper with a follow-up question: ‘have you ever been in love with someone who possesses all the characteristics your soul desires, but the person was of an unconventional or same sex?’ I say unconventional, because it related to my gay audience, as same-sex would not apply.

The answer to this question was somewhat less forthcoming.29304-Retro-Summer

Theoretically, we all want to live an authentic life. What we often dont realize is how many challenges accompany the Authentic Life. It is exceptionally bold and brave of anyone defying the norm to follow their heart. It is a mammoth step in an unknown direction when you fall in love with someone undefined by your or society’s expectations.

If falling in love is the uniting of two hearts and two souls, do not for one moment feel as though the heart and soul you desire needs to conform to a gender. What does the soul know of such a distinction? Nothing! Love is all about the balance two people bring to each other.And sometimes, just sometimes, the heart sees what the eyes cannot…

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Yours, Mine & Ours…”

Family.jpgFalling in love is amazing! Especially when you have no doubt you have found the one!

You have literally found the other half of your soul. From the time you met, you knew  it was meant to be.The courtship has been blissful and exciting. There have been some rough patches, but your value systems are so aligned, you’ve managed to work things out seamlessly. You both recognize the importance of good communication. It is a key value in your relationship and has been held in high esteem from the very beginning. You have overcome your fair share of obstacles thus far, and you both are ready to take the next step.

So you decide to move in together or even get married. Your confidence soaring because you have gotten really lucky finding your soul mate. You’re completely connected. Your hearts are intertwined. You have so much in common; including your kids…

A massive Well Done to those of you who have embraced this type of blended family. You have entered into it with the best of intentions no doubt. But how does it really work, practically..? It is all fine and well promising and most likely intending to treat ‘his’ kids as your own. You purposed in your heart to sincerely make ‘her’ kids the center of your world. No doubt you both really meant it. Until that first tear in the fabric…

You cant reprimand her child. His child treats you like the hired help. He sides with his kids, never with you. She doesn’t want to hear anything about her children, they’re never wrong. She frowns at you when you crack a joke, because it’s not appropriate in front of her kids. So how come she gets to say whatever she wants in front of yours? Then there’s the spending comparisons! Yes this is actually a thing… If he buys something for his, why is he not buying for yours..??  You are trying to teach your kids the value of money and she spoils her kids rotten. They dont need half the things she buys!

And because the kids feed off your energy, they start to manipulate either or both of you. They whisper sweet loads of BS in your ears, and in time become really good at fine-tuning their approach for their desired outcome. And because neither of you want to see the flaws in your kids EGO demands you get your kids on a higher pedestal than the other.

 

Now let’s throw in some baby-mamma & baby-daddy drama. His ex calls all the shots and when you give an opinion, because after all you are part of this too, you are told to be quiet. It does not concern you. Seriously…? Her ex pays pays for jack, rocks up randomly to visit. Sits in your house, drinking your coffee, but you best leave it alone because ‘dont you want the child to see his father??’ 

Honestly, you both need to check yourselves, before you wreck yourselves. 

You wanted a partner with certain values, whom you have found. Someone who would treat your kids as their own. So why is it wrong for him to reprimand your kid? His own kid would have needed to deal with his reprimands! His own kids would have heard the grumblings about money. She would have shouted at her own kids for treating her like a domestic, why do you feel the need  to protect your kids from it? When she gives you her opinion about your baby-mamma drama, show enough respect to at least consider her perspective. She cares for you and your child. When he gets annoyed at low-life baby-daddy who is actually coming around with  no real plan for the visit, or himself for that matter, take his feelings to heart. He gets up everyday to work for your kid and breaks his back trying to be the best role-model he can be.

Stop getting in each other’s way. You both want the same thing. Trust each other enough to let go. Trust each other enough to allow the other to manage the difficult situations without interference. Trust each other as much as you would, had this been biologically both your kids. It is one thing to say it. It’s a very different matter practicing it, making the mistakes and emerging as a stronger unit moving forward.

But most important of all, stop holding grudges and take your ego out of it completely. This is not a competition, love never is.

But if you’ve hit the worst of it and you are stuck for a loving solution. Turn to each other and say: ‘Alright, let’s flip a coin. Heads Im yours. Tails you’re mine…’

 

 

 

Is there Life after Infidelity..?

Banner 1.jpgCan anyone really move on after being cheated on? Is it even possible to forgive someone who has trashed your love and devotion so severely? Made you feel less-than..?

Is it even reasonable to expect forgiveness after perpetrating an act, which can only be described as an emotional crime?

Whether or not people choose to admit it, everyone have been affected, directly or indirectly by infidelity. In some or other way your relationship has been tested and only you will know whether you have passed or failed.

There are multiple arguments which seek to prove that marriage or being with one person forever is absurd. Infidelity is often used to corroborate the argument. Even the practice of polygamous marriage is purported to contain a side-note of “it curtails infidelity.” Perhaps it does, perhaps it doesn’t… The fact remains most people marry the one person they want to be with forever. Not the three people they kinda like...

The unfortunate reality though is after the fairy-tale of your spouse starts wearing thin, or the novelty of your life-partner has become the norm, selfishness creeps in. Before, it was “all about us,” now “it’s never about me!”  Then someone comes along and makes it all about YOU… 

Or if you are on the other side of this coin, the receiving end of the Me-Syndrome, you are seeing the horror unfold before your eyes. You’re seeing how the different version of your spouse starts to unfold. You see the extra effort being put into a relationship outside of your home. The extra time that goes into their appearance. You feel the silence amidst the words. The lies, late-nights, then lies again. You feel the emotional withdrawal and you are feeling more alone everyday. Everything previously reserved for you now showered on someone else, and it hurts like hell! There’s just no sense or justice in it all. One besotted. The other betrayed.

Could you ever move on after something like this? Would you even want to? You do love each other and perhaps this was temporary weakness…but it could happen again. Could the trust ever be restored? Or will you always be looking for signs of a lie? And what about the kids?

Truth is, no one knows. The answers to all these rests with you. You could be happier than you have ever been the second time around. Or you could choose to move on separately, and live a very happy life. Only you get to live with your choice and only you are accountable for you.

But no matter how you look at it, it’s a matter of forgiveness… Whether you choose to move on or whether you choose to stay. You cant do either without forgiveness. Make no mistake, it will be hard. But forgiveness has never been an attribute of the weak...

Know your worth. Stay true to you. And remember, “Every day is a second chance…”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pre-Marital Coaching… Seriously?

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So you’ve found the girl of your dreams. Or Mr Right came dashing in and swept you off your metaphorical feet. All is perfect with the world and the two of you will be together forever.

When the decision to marry has been made, whether 2 months or 2 years into your relationship. When you are on the precipice of marriage, a different euphoria kicks-in and reasoning is lost. As a Bride-to-Be, you are caught-up in the Dream. As a Groom-to-Be, you want to Scream.  But eventually all the anxiety comes together on that beautiful day  when you both say I Do.   marraige 3

Now what…?

 He wants his Mother to move in. She says no!  She goes to Church every Sunday, He says hell no. She says no going out with the boys, He says are you crazy? She wants to have kids right away, He says we need more time. There has never been a discussion about kids, well not seriously anyway… So what on earth is happening? This is nowhere near what either of you envisioned it would be. You know you love each other, but everything else is broken.

The truth of the matter is, just like anything we do for the first time, some measure of preparation is needed. This doesn’t imply that you dont know how to love your Spouse. It only enhances your ability to do it better. Amidst all the euphoria, it is important to know that a beautiful wedding is not the goal. A successful marriage is…

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Remember, “A wedding is only the beginning of an undertaking that may or may not, someday, develop into a marriage.” David and Vera Mace

 

For more information or to Book a Coaching Session visit: http://www.juanitachristianslifecoach.co.za

 

 

 

 

So Your Child is Gay…

Teen 2 So your Gay child has come out, and your world has ended. Life as you know it is over, you failed as a parent and there is just no way you could ever live this down!

If you are a typical parent, this is how you feel. Kudos to the Not So Typical Parents. Although today is not about you, let’s make it about you real soon, ok?

Flashing back through your child’s earlier years you cant help but wonder whether you missed the signs? Was it your fault? Were you too hard, too soft? Where exactly did you go wrong. Is this genetic? There will need to be an inquest into whose side of the family this comes from.

How on earth  are you going to fix this??

Then there is the brand new issue of how are you going to tell your family, especially your Mother. What about your friends… ok perhaps they dont need to know. Then there’s your church, who will surely damn your child to hell!! Maybe you would have been better off not knowing. This is trauma! It’s like the child you knew is gone. It feels a bit like death.

Now that you have had your moment, let’s wake-up. As much as this is about you, it’s actually not. You have made your life’s choices, your child is merely doing the same. Please recognize how good of a parent you are, having created a platform of love and respect, which enabled your child to open up to you. Further to this, you’ve raised someone brave, bold and capable of making the hard choices, the tough decisions.For this you should be proud. You actually dont even have to do much. Just love your child. They’re not gone, this is still the very same person you have known and raised your whole life.

I know you are scared. And I recognize your anxiety stems from fear. Fear of a difficult life for him / her. Fear that they will be rejected by society, their work-place, church and just about everywhere else outside of your home. You’ve always envisioned them as happy, successful, giving you lots of grand-kids. News-flash, your child will still have all this.

OK, there’s some work to do on the grand-kids, but its possible…

Until now you have not thought about how ready our world is for your Gay son or daughter…While you were living in the blissful unknown, thinking this would never happen to you, the world was busy evolving. And lets face it, the world is just more more colorful with gay people in it.

The family, friends or church whose judgement you fear and who actually is a big part of your anxiety, all have their own drama. If you remove them from your thought-process and think only of the love and support you are prepared to shower over your child, life instantly becomes good again. Remember, you haven’t failed, you have succeeded. Your child is whole. Unlike so many who have come before who have not lived to tell the tale, because parents have shunned them. Because parents were unable to deal with their own distorted notions and too weak to stand-up to the misguided notions of others.

If you are religious, this poses a particular challenge for you, because religion as a practice does not accept homosexuality as a life-choice. Do not misunderstand, I am referring to Religion; not Spirituality. I cannot tell you how to exercise your faith, but as a Minister’s kid, I can tell you that the unconditional love of my parents contributed directly to the success I consider myself to be.

Reality is, there’s nothing you can do. You can choose to live happily ever after, or not.  Come on Parents, make good choices…